Resident Evil got less violent
by BoarsOnARetard
Summary: Well, due to lack of reviews... This story will stay unfinished, and I doubt I'll work on it again. Yeah, yeah, some people may be dissappointed but I can't really do things due to my laziness unless I'm encouraged, and reviews kinda encourage me. Sorry.
1. The start

A resident evil story.. Without violence?! Yes. Exploding Cowbell with his first story, was bored out of his mind and wrote this.

..Yeeeeah.

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The day starts off.. Where a helicopter randomly hits the ground, diving down at a speed of 164 miles per hour, yet it is still perfectly fine. "Capcom is doing this to us for what reason, now?" The pilot; Brad, A.K.A. Chickenheart said to himself, crashing the helicopter repetitively, alas, it's still in one piece. So I decided to be a part crasher, and put the scene where Joseph gets.. errm.. eaten. "Oh my god, a.. plastic gun and hand?" The man with the, ermm.. Stick, shouted, as a growl was heard behind him. The next thing he knew, was a fluffy zombie bunny pounced on him and started jumping on him. "Joseph..!" Jill said, as Brad gave up crashing the helicopter and left. "WAIT, DON'T GO! You still owe me five bucks!" Chris said, as the one with the large squirt gun; Barry, was eating a cookie. "Quick, guys! To that suspiciously place mansion, that has lots of violence!" The captain of the P.L.A.N.E.T.S. team said, and thus, the rest did so. Then for no apparent reason.. They disappear and are already in the mansion.

Monologue: We are trapped in this mansion.. but sadly, because we're in a resident evil with no violence whatsoever, we're even more stupid, thus we cannot open the door.. It's just me; Jill; Chris; Wesker; Barry; Some person; Brad-even though he left-; Rebecca-even though we didn't even find her yet-; and the fluffy bunny choking Joseph to death by hugging him; along with Joseph loosing his oxygen due to zombie bunny hugs; and King Arthur/Sir Arthur We will survive evil fluffy bunnies, evil squirrels, hobos, a biological warfare bunny, a few Yorkshire terriors, and Osama Bin Laden. Did I mention that that the author is secretly following us with clever disguises and a great sense to find great hiding spots?

As me finished his sentence, the author decided to hide behind the air. Yet, because of people in Resident Evil being so retarded, that they probably wouldn't even know one plus one, they still didn't find the author. A loud scream was heard, so loud that it hurt me's ears. "Jill, Barry, go check it out!" Wesker said, eating a donut, and so Barry and Jill followed the person's orders. "Albert.. Don't try to kill anyone.. I've got your worst enemy up my sleeve.." The author said, and Wesker replied, "..Bunnies?" the author added, smacking his own face after what Wesker said, "..No… NI!" As said, Wesker and about everyone in the area cringed of the sound. "NO! I will not do anything with a herring _or_ a shrubbery!" Sir Arthur cried, holding his.. uhhm, rubber sword. "..Fine, fine.. But you still have to chop the mightiest tree in the forest down with a herring, whether you like it or _not_." The author said, and me added in, "Ladies, l-" within a few seconds after the first time me said the word 'ladies', he was struck by an anvil. Soon after, a herring impaled the man, and as me was impaled by the herring, Sir Arthur cringed at the site of a herring. Now, due to me dying, there cannot be any monologues. Alas, there is no violence, so me turns into a mattress.

Thus, I have changed the POV to Jill and Barry. Randomly, Chris tagged along for no real reason. "It's.. Juice.. I sure hope it isn't Chris' juice!" Barry said, taking a straw out and slurping up all the strawberry juice, until Chris and Jill came by him. "You monster, Barry! You are drinking my JUICE! I made that for Jill, not you! How could you, Barry?!" Chris shouted as he went into fetal position and bawled his eyes out. "…Barry.. Maybe I should go check it out." Jill said, putting her hand on her hip. "Yes.. you should go check it out" Barry said sloppily, due to the fact that Barry was drinking the juice from the marble floor, and soon enough, he added, "And bring Chris with you." Barry finished with the juice, as Jill walked through the door, while dragging a now bawling-his-eyes-out Chris Redfield.

"What is that noise?" Jill said, as rambling about money and free stuff. Jill turned the corner, and saw the most horrible sight. A person with ripped up and tattered, and also kinda smelly and old clothes was robbing stuff from Kenneth's unconscious body. "OH MY GOD!" Jill screeched at the sight of the homeless person. "Free stuffsh pleesh?" The hobo said, then held it's hands up and walked towards Jill and Chris. "Is it a zombie or is it a- sniff –hobo?" Chris said, trying to recover from his whole going in fetal position and bawling his eyes out. Randomly, Jill ran for her life, still dragging Chris, and opened the door.

The problem was; Chris' legs were in the doorway, when Jill shut the door. As the door closed on the man's legs, he screamed so loud, people from Squirrel City heard it. Then, the door opened and revealed the hobo of ultimate destruction. Thus, Barry raised his squirt gun and blasted the hobo's smelly body with a large amount of super soaker water. "No one can withstand the holy might of the.." as if his voice turned into a really deep voice, and randomly, Barry appeared ontop of a mountain, holding his super soaker up in the air. "**SUPER SOAKER!!"** as Barry shouted it in a Hercules voice rip-off, a holy-ish light shone around the super soaker, and the sound from Zelda that happens when you obtain something is randomly heard. Alas, Barry's fascination was over, and he was back in the mansion.

"Let's go tell Albie, Barry and Chris!" Jill said, in a cheerful voice, with an anime-look of excitement. Thus, Barry and Chris stared at Jill like she was on crack, then Barry spoke up; breaking the silence, "Did you just call Wesker '_Albie_'..?!" Then, for no real reason, they left that whole situation about Jill being a creepy fangirl behind and went through the door. Apparently, everyone was sitting down, along with a few random hobos and fluffy mutant bunnies in a circle, all playing a game of Blackjack. There was a scoreboard written sloppily on the door, it said the following; 'Everyone but Wesker-4; Wesker-9999', and an 'OVERKILL' is written above Wesker's name and score, like the OVERKILL from Final Fantasy X. Upon the author mentioning the name of a game made by SquareEnix/SquareSoft, he was sued to kingdom hearts.(Yes, you heard me. Not kingdom come, Kingdom Hearts. The worst series made by man.) As if bad luck was on the author's side, he was sued again by many Final Fantasy fans by giving people heart attacks due to the mentioning of the worst game made by man.

Thus, after the game of Blackjack, which Barry won in the most un-imaginable ways, they started to play Resident Evil 4. Everyone was crying, except Wesker; because none of them were in Resident Evil 4 and along-side it's awesome graphics of doom. Due to Barry bringing his own gamecube, controller, memory cards, Action Replay, and a Resident Evil 4 for gamecube. Soon enough, Barry unlocked the handcannon. Due to him being Barry, he equipped the handcannon at the beginning of the game, and automatically won the game. Jill, Chris, Wesker, and the others were confused, outraged, depressed, and also in a mood to kill Barry, seeing as the other can't do such a thing. Randomly, the merchant from RE4 came out from the bathroom, that once had a bathroom, a sink, a mirror, a cabinet under the sink, and a toilet. There were marks left behind from there previous location, but as soon as Wesker saw him, the merchant ran for his dear life. Mostly due to the whole part where he sold Leon all the guns to mercilessly slaughter everything that moves, including Ada, Krauser, and for some odd reason, Ashley.

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One does not simply cowbell his way to mordor. Read and Review, or else. takes out fluffy bunny


	2. The first ending

Back with the randomness. The school computer is retarded and made me delete me whole story, causing me to have to re-write the second chapter.. Well, Yeah.

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We meet our party of idiotic travelers, going to fight their way out of the mansion. Everyone simply split up, leaving the mansion hall unsecured. Due to Cloud Strife being in here for no real reason, he used a phoenix down on a mattress due to boredom, and me(the monologue) was revived.

Monologue: We all went our separate ways. Barry and Jill went to fight a very pissed off Lisa Trevor with PMS, Wesker and Alucard went to the dining room, a hobo and Chris went to the room with alt. costumes, Joseph and Richard went to through the "hidden" door at the stairs. King Arthur, me, the author, and the rest of them went in the room with the statue. Soon enough, King Arthur killed me, and me turned into a mattress, again. Sigh, I hate being a mattress.

"With much rejoice!" King Arthur screamed, then as soon as he started dancing, dogs with rabies jumped through the window and started dancing with everyone. At the end of the dancing line was nemesis, and at the beginning of the line was Solid Snake. We all danced over me's dead body, breaking the is-now-a-mattress-me's.. um, springs. Then the author decided to put violence on. The zombies and such were trying to eat us. Nemesis was blowing stuff up, Snake was sneaking away in a box. The zombies were eating the mattress, King Arthur was decapitating the zombies, and everyone was having fun.

Now to Jill and Barry's point of vision, Lisa was, lemme say… Kicking Jill's ass. Jill kept on pushing the weird statue things off, and Barry was eating peanut butter. "Do something, Barry! WHO SWITCHED THE VIOLENCE TO ON?!" Jill yelled, as her status was now in danger. The next thing that happened was the end of Lisa's life. The Knights Who Say NI and the Kool-aid man jumped through the wall, and killed Lisa with their foul words. In the background, the FF7 winning music started. Then a blue screen came up, and gave exp and AP to the Kool-aid, and the others. The next screen gave them 5940 gil and a Summon The Guardian Of The Cave material. After that was all done, everyone looked at eachother. The next thing they heard, was the violent sounds of the author screaming and zombie lawyers. The next sound was an even louder scream, and the sound of someone casting Ultima. A while after that, was the sound of a Phoenix down being used. Everyone ran to the exit as quick as they can.

To Alucard and Wesker's POV, Wesker looks "slightly" pixilated, and the rooms look like castlevania rooms. "Great, now I have less pixels.. GAH! Now my shotgun looks like a pipe with wood on it." Albert complained, seeing as he can finally use it because the author put violence on. The eerie music in the mansion stops, Albert and Alucard walk forward. There is a boss battle involving a genetic warfare bunny. The large battle-ready rabbit, attempted to eat the two. Alucard kept on drop-kicking the giant rabbit, and Albert kept on running on the walls and shooting the rabbit in it's groin. He soon figured out that the rabbit _had_ no _gender_. Albert's brain finally turned on. He shot the rabbit in it's large, genetic, fuzzy face. "DIE, PETER COTTON TAIL!" As Albert said those very words, the rabbit faced Albert and stepped on him, almost killing him. "How DARE you say my name!" The large genetic rabbit shouted at the blonde-haired man. Just as the rabbit was about to squish Albert, an FF7 winning theme, a crashing sound, and the horrible sounds of the author's near-death experience with zombie lawyers. As the rabbit was distracted by the noises, Alucard jumped up and sliced the genetic warfare bunnies' head off. The next thing we knew, the author is still alive, due to him having a great lawyer; The Tyrant, so he switched the POV.

Now, we are watching Chris and some hobo walk along in the alt. costume room. Chris tried on his 'OMFGIARETHELEETIPLAYMMORPGSLOLIWIN' costume; he looked like a nerd. The hobo tried on his 'I'ma rich hobo, yeeeaaah!' costume; he looked like Alfred Ashford, wig and all. They kept on trying on costumes, until they decided to look at the others' costumes. One of King Arthur's alt. costumes was a toad with a side sheath for a sword, and a crown. One of Alucard's alternate costumes was a Vincent Valentine wannabe. One of Jill's alternate costumes was a sailor moon outfit; it creeped the two out. One of Solid Snake's alternate costumes was a crocodile hunter, that looks highly similar to Steve Irwen. The only one that creeped the two out most, was the captain's alternate costume; it was a pink fairy with a pink gun. Chris took a digital camera out, and took a picture; planning to post it on the net.

Now, to the last POV. We are now with Joseph and Richard Aiken. The violence was on, so a zombie dog mixed with a snake came out of the bushes. The two kept on running and screaming for their life. Apparently, Samuel L. Jackson came out of no where and killed the.. doke.. or snog.. "I'm sick and tired of these MOTHAbeepIN' snakes near and in this MOTHAbeepIN' mansion!" Samuel L. Jackson yelled, as he dragged the snog away. Joseph and Richard looked at eachother, and soon dug in their pockets, looking for some crack, because they thought they just hallucinated. "Okay, then.. Well, let's go in that suspiciously open grave, that should've been closed and opened by some arrowhead with a gem in it, because Resident Evil games have weird plots and they makes us so retarded, we can't simply take out a rocket launcher and blow the door up." Joseph said, trying to sound intelligent, as Richard just stared at him like he's crazy.

Now back to the mansion lobby POV. Nothing happened, and a tree was growing somewhere. Somewhere in the background was an Alexia Ashford, walking down the stairs. "Albeeeert?! Where are you! I'd like my red dress back!" Alexia yelled, and Alfred popped out of nowhere. "Hold on, sister, how does this go on?!" He shouted back, Alexia got a bit angry and said, "You freaking crossdresser!" As Alexia shouted at Alfred, Alucard and Wesker came back into the lobby, almost at the same time as Chris and the hobo. "..Oh god, I don't have to run on the walls and jump through a hole, do I?" Albert said, as Chris suddenly started poking Alexia's breast. "It's soft.. and squishy.." Chris said, and soon enough, Chris burst into flames. Then Richard and Joseph came in just as Chris spontaneously (Holy shizzle, I spelled that right.) combusted. Soon enough, Jill, The Knights Who Say NI, the kool-aid man, and Barry came out from under the staircase, at the same time Richard and Joseph came in. Alas, they didn't see anything, so they decided to look at the Alaskarly Fried Chris. A minute passed, and everyone stayed still. Solid Snake, Nemesis, the author, A now mattressified monologue, and the rest. Then everyone started laughing at Chris as he lay looking like he was put in a forest fire. At the simple sight of the word 'forest fire', Smokey the Bear came out of no where and beat Alexia and Alfred to death and said, "Remember kids, don't let the woman that makes stuff go on fire live, because forest fires are NOT good!" Thus, he ran back out and got attacked by a zombie dog. It was on fire, so it didn't live long.

Then, everyone decided to go to the lab. Sadly, the fun had to be ended, so the author turned the violence off. Jill was left at the back of the very large group, dragging a Alaskarly Fried Chris. "God, Chris, you're heavy.." Jill managed to get out, huffing and wheezing. Somewhere in the group was TKWSN (The Knights Who Say NI) and Sir Arthur insulting eachother. In another area of the group was Samuel L. Jackson strangling a snake. In the front of the line, the author started to walk into random walls and doors and things that are hard to miss, all because of Boredom. Alucard was near the back of the large group, poking Barry's Super Soaker, while Barry was eating a cookie.

They walked, and walked, until they decided to go explore the rest of the mansion, even though they should've just stayed on track. They walked all the way to the place where Richard got attacked by a snake. They opened the door, and the next thing they knew, they were on an airplane. Samuel L. Jackson came up in front of the whole group and took his gun out. "I'm sick and tired of these MOTHERbeepIN' snakes on this MOTHERbeepIN' plane!" Then, the snakes randomly died, but Solid Snake waited outside of the door, with his name and all. Then they walked all the way over to the place where you fight the giant plant at. The next thing we knew, Solid Snake did his job. He lit a cigarette and poured a large amount of oil on the plant, then threw the cigarette on the giant plant. The plant was on fire, and then it died.

After the rest of the boss battles, they all decided to go in the lab. Apparently, for no real reason, a bunch of fluffy bunnies ambushed the group. The group was slowly decreasing and turning into mattresses as they died by the ambush of rabbits. Cloud, Smokey the Bear, and many others were mattressified. Barry went Hercules with his Super Soaker on the rabbits, before there was any more mattressaulties (casualties.) or mattresses, Barry had enough as it is. Solid Snake grabbed the sample, and equipped his box, and walked slowly to the helipad elevator. Barry and the rest looked like they were being intelligent and pointing their fake weaponry at things that look like it could mattressify you. "Go, go, go!" Albert yelled out, as the rest ran with their weaponry, then they made it to the helipad. "Terrorists win." The two words echoed throughout the whole Alaskarly mountains, in a monotone voice. The author prepared for THE genetic warfare bunny. A giant rabbit came from the ground, and padded up the hole he entered in nicely. Then the rabbit mattressified almost everyone but the main characters, TKWSN, and the hobo. "NI!" TKWSN shouted at the top of their loud, rough voices.

The raging fight with fur and many random objects flying left and right. It took a while, but Brad then finally got into the helicopter that he gave up crashing, and pushed a rabbit catcher named 'Bob' down into the area. Bob dusted off his shoulders and knees, then the FF7 battle music started, the author put on heavy anti-sue armor, and prepared his lawyer, Mr. Tyrant. Bob hit the Genetic Warfare Bunny with his rabbit catching stick, it hit a 99999999, and a small overkill was written above. Thus, que the winning theme, and the rabbit catcher got some exp and AP, and he also got a stick, a log, a fluffy bunny, phoenix down x2, a dead frog, and a masarabbitcatchermune, along with 1337 gil. The author had no problem, seeing as he killed all the lawyers when violence mode was on, P.L.A.N.E.T.S. decided to go eat a donut, Tifa came in and used a large amount of phoenix downs on the mattressified group, the group decided to wait for the next chapter, TKWSN did the same as the group, and along with the hobo. Oh, and the monologue was fed to the fluffy bunnyasaurus.

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DISCLAIMER: I do not own most of the stuff I put I here. But I do own me, the author, the hobo, erm, Mr. Tyrant, P.L.A.N.E.T.S., Alaskarly mountains, Squirrel City, and.. some other stuff. I wish I could own half the stuff that I don't… No, I want it all. That'd be cool, making my own Resident evil games… Oh! Sorry.

Anyway, sorry it took too long. As I said, I have to be bored out of my mind to write this. It took me 4 pages to make this puppy, so… yeah. I also own the snog and the dake.. They're the same thing, but two optional names for a snake/dog mix.


	3. Chapter 3

1ARES Chapter three. Cowbell strikes back. Guess what game I'm parodying his time? Resident evil two. NOTE: Some things aren't exactly to the story.. I haven't beat it yet.

Here we see Leon Shot Kennedy driving in a jeep on a highway. At the same time, Claire Springfield is riding a motorcycle. It proceeds to show a sign that says "Raccoon City I forgot how much miles", with tomato sauce on it. Leon stopped to see a mattress, and a bunch of hobos playing DDR on it, so he ran to the bar for no real reason. Claire ran to the bar for no reason to. Some guy threw a hobo out the window, and got into his truck. "What a maniac! He asked for my SHIRT!".

The epic meeting of Claire and Leon and the kool-aid man. Claire looked behind the bar, and saw the author's shape in the floor boards, but noticed nothing whatsoever. Then.. The kool-aid man jumped through the wall, and I skipped about the whole opening scene. Now Claire, the Kool-aid man, Solid snake, Leon, the Author, monologue, Adrian(Alucard's name), a herring, and a trout are on the left side of the car.

Monologue: We have to go to the police station- for some unknown reason. So now, we must travel to the police station! Insert Monty Python and the holy grail 'traveling' music here 

They went through a toy store, watched the kool-aid man break through the window and turn Kendo into a mattress, played some basketball, got a bus-ride, and got into the police station front gate. Solid Snake ate Brad and stole his closet key, and then the group went into the police station. There they found a rock. They kept the rock, and ran into the room where the window is near the door. Rikku came from the item box, with the young author floating not far behind her with a large amount of drool coming out of his mouth.

The licker came down from the ceiling, and licked the author. For this, he was emotionally disturbed from now on. The group proceeded to keep the licker and call it Licker(Well, I was out of creative names.). They proceeded to the door, and took the green herb. They heard loud techno music from the other side of the door, so they opened it, and there they found a bunch of hobos raving with glowsticks and flashy lights, so the young author stopped drooling over Rikku's scantily clad body, and raved. They went into the room with the image room thingy, and looked in the alternate costumes locker. Solid Snake got his box outfit, and made strange car noises while in it, everyone looked at him.

Everyone but the author had their alternate costumes on, but the author got his emo raver alternate costume because it sounds funny. "So, then.. Where now?" The author asked blatantly to the car-noise making box, and it replied. "TO THE STAIRS. Besides, it's the resident evil plot, we have to go up lots of stairs and walk around a lot. Resident evil is made for athletes. You'll lose a few pounds. I mean, look at Fat Albert! He looks like Liquid Snog(Snake-dog mix from the RE1 chapters..).. Wait for me!!"

Thus commencing the random walk up the stairs scene. There was a largely overweight hobo police officer waiting for them, so fat Albert threw a donut over the railing.(Poor, poor hobo..) The group proceeded to the P.L.A.N.E.T.S. office, and looked around. They found Barry hugging his desk, and Rebecca looking at the picture she took when she got drunk and.. well.. Did something with Claire, while giggling madly. They took what they needed, and Claire threatened to kill Rebecca if she mentions what happened with her and Jill.

Then they went down to the basement, and helped Ada push a van out of the way, and go into the dog kennel. Chris, who just came in eating a donut, attempted to pet the dogs, but they didn't get fed, so it swallowed his hand whole. They proceeded even more deeper, into the sewer system, and secretly,(Because I love it how Ada holds her gun.. It's freaking kick-ass.) the author put the violence mode on. They helped Ada get over into the other side, and out of nowhere, a large amount of cerberus' came out of nowhere and jumped on Ada. Ada proceeded to transform into a super saiyan, and kicked some zombie dog ass.

Sorry for the long wait, but hey. You guys aren't reviewing, and the more you review, the faster I make the story. I hope you all liked this chapter, as short as it was..


	4. Chapter 4

Gasp.

I'd enjoy reviews, you know.. Click the button, or the button clicks YOU.

Ada completed the puzzle and went back to where the group was, with a snickering author with a digital camera in hand. "I'm so going to post Ada going super saiyan on the internet.." the author said under his breath. They traveled their way to the sewage hallway, and back to the police station. After that, they went around collecting gems, jewels, rubies, cranks, shafts, frogs, fish heads, dead ferrets, shoes, keys, a burning helicopter, and some crows that went through the windows.

The cop in the hallway was just trying to feed the birds, but the birds didn't like him. They pecked him to a mattress. The group still does not know why the people turn into mattresses after they are supposed to "die", but the author never told them why, because he really doesn't know either. Then the author proceeded to smack each one of them for asking such a silly question. "Quit asking me things I don't know. If I don't know the answer of which I am unaware of, you expect me to know what the answer you seek is mainly because I am creating this? What are you, crazy? Never ask me questions I don't know and am completely sure that no one knows the answer to, or else I'll tell everyone what I know about you knowing how to be able to know what the answer is even though you don't know!!" The author shouted at the group, while large sweatdrops proceeded down each person's head, forming a transformer-sweatdrop.. thing. "..What?" They all asked in unision, which angered the author, and traveled to the next destination.

The next puzzle that was waiting for them was.. A ferret and a shoe. It took each one of the people several hours to figure out to put their minds together, and so they did. It looked liked one of those captain planet things.. so, after that, it took them several more hours to figure out what they just did. It also took several hours to figure out that they were all mentally challenged. Thus, the author decided to switch the 'Mentally Challenged Characters' off. "I say, how do you manage to form you hair in such a strange formation? Is it gel, or were you just born that way?" Solid Snake asked Cloud, when Cloud replied, "I was born this way. I feel rather sorry that my mother had to experience such a painful event, and if it were I, I would never be the same again." The tiger joined in, "That must have been the reason your mother died at birth.. You really do need to form your hair like mine, mainly because it's so soft, and silky.. But yes, shall we put the shoe in the ferret that would cause the door to the sewer-area to open, thus giving us the chance to leave this vile building of which this city's former police had worked in?" And so they did.

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It was short, yeah, but.. Dammit, I'm not in the mood to make more. R&R, people. It'll encourage me to make more. :\ One does not simply cowbell his way to mordor.


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